Breaking Up is Hard to Do
Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Friendship Breakups
Before I start, I need to say this sh*t is hard.
Everyone talks about dealing with romantic breakups, but who is talking about when you go through friend breakups.
I’ve gotten my heart broken before but nothing hurts worse when it is your friend who breaks your heart. It feels like someone A-town stomped on it, chewed on it, ran it over, and stomped on it so more. The amount of emptiness you feel hits your soul and leaves a void that you don’t know if you can fill.
For me, my friends are village. My brothers and sisters in this journey of life. Truly family. As someone who grew up as an only child and then discovering siblings later in life, my friends became my extended family.
They became an extension of me. I saw traits in them that were similar to mine and/or who I aspired to be in myself.
For example, one friend has the ability to stay in touch frequently with folks and make sure they are okay. One friend is prayed up and is one of the most forgiving person I know. One friend is so strong willed and stands firm in her boundaries. One friend knows how to stay organized and driven no matter what is happening her life. All these different attributes feel like a connection to a piece of my soul, so when one of these connections are severed it feels like a limb missing.
I truly feel like my friends are more like my soulmates. I love being around feminine energy especially around my birthday. Where I even I have rule that I only spend my birthday with my girlfriends to bring in my solar return. It grounds me and reminds who I am suppose to be.
Which makes it hard for me to realize the end may have approached or it is firmly at its end. So with all of that how do you move forward or know its the end?
Well…thats the thing right? Life is seasonal. People, opportunities, and situations come in waves and seasons. You change, they change. It is a question of whether or not you both are willing to work through it and grow together. A lot of humility is asked to placed on the table. There are many reasons for this separation and ending: like growing apart, betrayal of trust, unbalanced effort, toxic dynamics, and life changes ( like a baby, marriage or moving).
As I grow into different stages of life in my early 30s, I am changing in ways that I don’t fully understand or know yet. But what I do understand in this new stage of life, is that friendships will look different for me because my needs have changed and what I need from anyone who chooses to be apart of my life.
I need boundaries, support, and loving corrections and loving support. Hard words and soft words. We all need a reality check every now and then (hard words), but that are met with loving reinforcement (soft words).
For most of my life, I have been very loose on setting boundaries that directly impact me and in general speaking up for myself when I’ve been hurt by people who say they love me due to mother wombs that I am and will continue to heal from.
I realize I need validation not from the outside world, but I do need support and validation from those closest to me. If I can’t get support from folks who claim to love me for my projects or just in general, then why are you in my life?
This may seem harsh but really let’s think about it. If you can’t support me with words of encouragement or tips to improve or to hold me accountable than our relationship is surface for me. I depend on my friendships to guide, love, validate feelings but also check when you are going overboard.
What I’ve learned in my friendship breakup is sometimes folks aren’t ready to meet you where you are because they aren’t even ready to address what they even need from themselves.
Feelings, grace, and loving speech may not be within them yet, but that doesn’t mean you have to suffer through the throes and woes of them learning to be honest with themselves, especially if they are not doing the real foundation work to heal themselves.
How can you expect someone to be real with you with love if they aren’t even real with themselves and speak love upon themselves?
So how do you heal from this type of hurt?
Be patient with yourself. It will take time and many tears. You must grieve, acknowledge the hurt, and feel all the feels! Feelings make you human. You are not a robot.
Reflection. This was an important relationship to you, and you should take the time to learn from it. It was brought into your life for a reason for you to learn. There are no mistakes, just opportunities to learn from this messy, crazy journey of life.
Seek Support. Go to your support system. Ask for help and be vulnerable. I know how hard it is as someone who hates feeling like a “burden” - just remember you aren’t. People who love you don’t feel that way about you.
Restoration. It is time to fill your well. Do those activities that spark joy. Go get a massage, watch trash tv, read, go touch grass, or anything you enjoy.
Remain open. Don’t close yourself to connections currently in your life, forming new ones, or cultivating one that are beginning to form. This situation is a lesson not a punishment for future connections.
All in all, this is a time for growth and understanding for yourself. You will continue to cherish your other relationships and continue to grow. You may even find yourself coming back to the relationship in another time in your life. Time affords you space to heal and reconnect.
As always be kind to yourself.
IN THE CROSSROADS: INSPIRING PATHS
with this new series, I will be interviewing women who I admire and hoping their inspiring paths will help others who are either in a crossroad or looking for something to inspire them to push them forward to their pursuits and dreams
For our first installment, we are highlighting Tiffany Giles, who is the visionary creator and operator of The Socialite Agency, a boutique social media management firm dedicated to helping small businesses thrive in the digital landscape. With a decade of experience in high-end retail, corporate marketing, and communications, Tiffany has a proven track record of driving success for her clients. Her expertise spans across various facets of digital marketing, including social media strategy development, brand management for small businesses to verified users, innovative logo design, and crafting lifestyle identities for ultra-premium spirits.
Since founding The Socialite Agency, Tiffany has assisted over 120 clients in achieving their marketing goals, whether short-term campaigns or long-term brand development. Her strategic approach and creative solutions have made her a trusted partner for businesses looking to enhance their online presence.
In addition to her role at The Socialite Agency, Tiffany currently serves as a social media specialist for AnywheRE brands. Her notable achievements also include digital ad placements for The Baltimore Sun, showcasing her versatility and commitment to delivering results across various industries. Tiffany's passion for social media and dedication to her clients' success continue to drive her forward in the ever-evolving world of digital marketing.
Tiffany cherishes her role as a mom of two, and resides in Baltimore, Maryland with her family.
How do you balance your career with your creative passions?
I always remember a quote a mentor told me. "As women we cannot balance it all, we have to do the best with what is in front of us at that moment." That has truly stuck with me and changed my approach to trying to achieve a true balance. Often, my work and creative passions intersect, because I truly love what I do and would do it for free. I've accepted that sometimes those worlds collide, and give myself space to move freely between both.
What are some creative outlets you've explored outside of work?
I have a few new creative "passion projects". One I am currently working on is a merch line to accompany my marketing business. I enjoy creating merch that people can use when they are lounging or even pursuing their own creative projects. I've also explored mentorship in several spaces, which I also really love.
Have you ever turned a creative hobby into a side hustle or business?
Yes! My social media management business started as me just helping friends and family I knew with their social pages, simply because I enjoyed it (and could not help myself when engaging with their socials LOL). I've been running the business for a little over 6 years and it has turned into something I'm really proud of.
How do you find time for creativity in your busy schedule?
I WFH, so I think that transition has made it a lot easier for me to have more time to dedicate to being creative. Also, my job working in social allows me to really work my creative brain all day, so when I move to other projects I already have some inspiration. Some days I am really organized, others I am not. I'm a work in progress, always!
What advice do you have for people who are looking to start a new creative project or hobby?
Give yourself space to truly create without critique. Not everyone needs to be invited into your creative process. Also, not everything has to be monetized. Some hobbies you can just enjoy simply because you do
How has pursuing creative outlets impacted your mental health and well-being?
It gives me peace of mind! Being able to express myself through various outlets helps me feel whole as a person and in return makes me a better woman, mom, friend- everything
Have you faced any challenges or setbacks in your creative journey? How did you overcome them?
Yes- creative blocks! I've had several of them, and had to realize there is beauty in boredom. Sometimes you literally have to go outside and touch grass to feel re-inspired. But in return, those blocks showed me there is literally creativity in everything we do.
How do you stay motivated and inspired to continue pursuing your creative passions?
The satisfaction I get in completing projects definitely keeps me motivated. Also, my children. I want them to know that if your creative and personal worlds collide- it's OK to do both.
What resources or tools do you recommend for women seeking to explore their creativity?
I recommend a few things. Reading books within the space you want to create, mentorship, women-led groups, and finding things that you enjoy that may seem unrelated.
currently obsessed with.
what I’m watching.
Palm Royale on Apple TV
what they say:
In 1969, an ambitious woman aspires to cross the line between the haves and have-nots to secure her seat at America's most exclusive, fashionable and treacherous table: Palm Beach high society. Based on: Mr. & Mrs. American Pie by Juliet McDaniel
what EYE say:
Ricky Martin. Laura Dern. Carol Burnett. The fashions!
This quirky show with an outstanding cast is truly a gem to watch. Get drawn in by Maxine’s schemes and the plots of the seemingly rich, and stay to figure out what actually happened before Maxine walk into those doors and how she grows into herself and maybe everything that shines in Palm Beach is what it seems.
what I’m buying.
Maison Margiela Replica’s Jazz Club
First and foremost, this thing was bussing right when I took the plastic off the box, and from first light it perfumed my home in less than 10 minutes. This is one of my favorite fragrances. I feel so cozy, sexy, and grown when I wear it and now when I light it. They are also having 20% for Memorial Day Weekend, so don’t say I didn’t try to put you on.
Niccara’s Book Club
what I’m reading.
The Partner Plot by Kristina Forest
the plot.
Two former high school sweethearts get a second chance in this marriage of convenience romance by Kristina Forest, author of The Neighbor Favor.
To Violet Greene, fashion is everything. As a successful celebrity stylist, she travels all over the world, living out her dreams. Professionally, she’s thriving, but her personal life is in shambles. After surviving a very public breakup with her ex-fiancé six months ago, Violet is now determined to focus on her career. But life hands her something—or rather, someone—that might derail everything…
Xavier Wright did not expect to run into his high school girlfriend Violet—the girl he once thought he’d marry—on a birthday trip to Vegas. As a high school teacher and basketball coach, he rarely leaves his New Jersey hometown, so what were the chances? But when the initial shock wears off, they decide to celebrate together. They feel young and reckless as they party the night away—and reckless they clearly were when the following morning, they wake up beside each other with rings on their fingers.
Their impulsive nuptials might be a blessing in disguise, though, when they realize that both of their careers could benefit from the marriage. So they play the part of a blissfully wedded couple. Yet when their passion comes hurling back, they realize their feelings are just as real as they were back when they were teens. But are their lives too different to stick it through or will they finally get a happy ending?
what you should be reading.
Rest is Resistance by Tricia Hersey
Thank you to my cohost Brandon who told me about this wonderful book. I decided to audiobook this on Libro.FM and it just didn’t disappoint. In my full time job in politics, rest isn’t really set as a priority and the grind culture is at it’s highest to the point where my mental and physical and taxed to the utmost extent.
This book changed my outlook on how my body isn’t a machine and therefore why am I allowing myself to function like one? Highly recommend for the folks who are trying to put their mental and physical first (I GOTTA PUT ME FIRST LUCIUS!! *cookie lyons voice*)
See ya in two weeks!
What a powerful reflection. And definitely something I found myself in the late 20s and early 30s. Some changed more permanently for me especially after 2008. IYKYK. And I have found in cases where we grew apart v having more fundamental differences there was, in some spaces, room to come back together. Not always the case but it helped me to consider how some relationships evolve, ebb and flow. How your circles of friendship can have folks in different layers. Such is the journey!