Not Everyone's Cup of Tea
the journey of validation and perception
Where did 2024 go?
It is crazy to be writing with the year slowly and rapidly coming to an end. This year has taught me quite a bit but the biggest lesson for me is perception and validation. Before we go deeper into why these two words are ringing true for me, it is important to define what we are discussing.
It’s like people don’t want to research anymore. *in my Kim K voice*.
Oxford languages (aka Google) tell us that validation is:
val·i·da·tion
/ˌvaləˈdāSHən/
noun
the action of checking or proving the validity or accuracy of something.
"the technique requires validation in controlled trials"
the action of making or declaring something legally or officially acceptable.
"new courses, subject to validation, include an MSc in Urban Forestry"
recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.
"they have exaggerated needs for acceptance and validation"
and perception is
per·cep·tion
/pərˈsepSH(ə)n/
noun
the ability to see, hear, or become aware of something through the senses.
"the normal limits to human perception"
the state of being or process of becoming aware of something through the senses.
"the perception of pain"
Similar: discernment, appreciation, recognition, realization, cognizance
After a full year of being engaged, starting an organization from scratch, going through friendship recalibrations, friends welcoming babies and vows — it was a year of self-discovery in the realms of perception and validation. Now, that we all have the definition let’s chat about how it impacted me as enter into 2025: the year I will become a wife, a better friend, leader, and advocate for myself and my people.
In the world of career, especially one that is so visual and in the spotlight like mine it can become quite easy to fall into the need to be perceived a certain way.
The right bag, the right hair, the right tone…I fell into the trappings of a gilded cage that I created for myself. I wanted to have all the *silent identity markers* as Christine Platt wrote in her wonderful book, The Afrominimalist's Guide to Living with Less (also check out our episode with her I did with BMIB here).
Of course, we love nice items but were truly items I wanted or was I surrounding myself with *things* to prove some obscure status to people around me. The answer if I am being honest was and is yes.
Yes, I was.
I believe if I had these silent markers I was already being perceived automatically how I wanted to be perceived, and although it did help in some instants I am still a Black woman in America and amassing items I actually could care less about does absolutely nothing for me personally but put me back in this white male capitalist system that literally feasts on my output to fuel this country since my ancestors forced migration here.
Meanwhile, I am no happier having certain pieces. The perception to the world is clearly I am happy since I have obtained these luxury items, but the reality was:
I was in constant state of doubt, depression, and anger.
Doubt that I was the right person to be in charge of this organization. Am I actually good at this? Should a man do this? Am I failure? Should I be someone’s wife? Am I ready for that? Why me? Why us?
Depression forming from the financial pressures and world pressures if I fail. Where will the most vulnerable be if I do not succeed? Is this financially smart or sound to be doing at my age? Shouldn’t I be focused on my impending marriage and focus on more traditional goals?
Anger blossomed where hope used to be. Anger around my own doubts, depression, finances, and not being able to be there for family, friends, or partner the way I believe I should be showing up.
BUT the perception I allowed to fill my psyche was that if I am perceived by these monetary items everything will fall in place and the way folks perceived me would become my reality.
Which was the problem…I was allowing the perception of others to dictate how I perceived myself. This allowed others to feel comfortable telling me how I should conduct myself, the boundaries I establish for myself, and how I should perceive myself. This was in total misalignment of who I know myself to be by allowing people to tell me who I was. This also allowed those to put limiting beliefs and ideals regarding what I could do and who I can be in the universe. Other’s perceptions of me lead me to believe I need their validation in order to have value.
The only validation I needed and need is from myself.
In my previous newsletters I wrote about my love of Human Design. Without going into another long lesson regarding it, I believe that God gives us all certain life paths to make sure the world can function. I also believe some folks need to go out the confines of the norm. No one should force themselves on others obviously, but my human design literally tells me not and to be invited in or my not-self theme appears which is bitterness. Being a Bitter Betty is not it.
Validation is sometimes taught to be sought out from others and society. Social media was intentionally a tool meant to connect us with friends and the world then it turned into a validation machine. The more likes or retweets or views meant you are a tastemaker.
A lesson I learned from my dad early on is “You don’t owe me anything. You owe yourself.” The validation I always needed was within me not from others. I am my own tastemaker.
I have allowed folks to tell me I was “too much” , “why are you dressed up”, “do you have to be so honest”. Listen, there was definitely a point to the last one (haha) but it is who I am and that comes with maturity knowing when to not allow your opinion always be heard.
I really had others dimming my shine because they were upset regarding how I conducted myself. Their fear of showing their authentic selves and what that comes with - which is judgement and fear in society, especially as a Black person.
Science is now exploring what suppression does to Black bodies, especially Black women when we suppress ourselves and our emotions. Being authentically you, as a Black person, is one of the most revolutionary actions you can take in a country that has and continues to try to beat, jail, and diminish our true selves.
Others in my career field believe in conforming throughout their professionally careers is what is needed, and no judgement - this is probably what they need to do for themselves but to place their own fears and constricts on other Black folks is not the vibe. There is obviously moments to code switch to survive in this eurocentric place, but if someone’s choice isn’t to conform then let them be themselves. As long as no one is hurting, who honestly cares.
The fullness of someone’s Blackness is a threat to the false idea that we had/have no culture or what this embrace of one’s full Blackness means to this carefully curate imagine of acceptability that breaks out the confines of whiteness that was forced upon us through mental and physical violence.
As a student of history, I was always in constant struggle between societal pressures and understanding of validation especially under the white gaze and how the many Black figures throughout history were not always beloved in the time period they were in or by society from the Black Panthers, Shirley Chisholm, and so many more.
Many of my favorite figures throughout history always had authenticity, which can not be bought because it is within you. There really isn’t another you.
Throughout this year, I had to validate myself and my authentic self because these confirmation always is within me.
I had to validate that I am smart, strategic, powerful, loud, opinionated, lover of good food and beautiful clothes, needer of subtitles through tv shows, quick tempered, low tolerance for injustice and so many more. Allowing others to perceive they have the right to validate me and my existence is honestly one of the biggest injustices I have committed against myself and my ancestors.
I will not allow the trueness of myself be used against me either which has happened. My open communication has allowed others to place thoughts or viewpoints that I have not spoken even though I grew up in the camp “If I said it, I will definitely say it directly to you”, but I will not let others misuse of me hinder me from being who I am.
Being inauthentic to yourself is one of the most toxic if not the highest injustice you can commit against yourself.
My journey of validation and perception and validation vs. perception has allowed me to let go of whatever notion someone has a placed on me or the role that others assumed I should have because they believe I *have* to. This is why I named my newsletter, Whiskey Fix because I’m definitely not everyone’s cup of tea but I am someone’s cup of whiskey (Basil & Uncle Nearest’s preferred).
Remember: Be you. Be proud of you. Be authentically you.
currently obsessed with.
where I went.
Dōgun by Kwame Onwuachi
Nestled in the new DC Salamander by the formidable Sheila Johnson.
Believe the hype. Getting reservations for the Dogōn is highly sought after and deserves it. Named after the people of West Africa who live in the central plateau region of Mali and Burkina Faso, which is nod to Kwame’s own roots, this restaurant is made to be shared family style and that we did. We had the coco bread, hoe cake, charbroiled oysters, toro guisado, curry branzino, grilled wagyu short rib, and the rum cake. For drinks, the spirits are crafted with Black owned spirits: I had Mango-Basil Smash and my friend had The Spirit of the Dunes. When I go back, I can do without the Wagyu but everything is a must, especially the rum cake!
What I am Listening To
Nostalgia, Ultra by Frank Ocean
I have been in embroiled debate with my friend regarding the slight by Apple Music for including Blonde over Channel Orange in their top 100 albums, which lead me going back to the mixtape era that shaped my high school and college career. The release of Nostalgia, Ultra which is literally only available to listen via Youtube and Soundcloud. This was truly an influential project that lead to Channel Orange and the video project Endless.
The Bookish Hottie
what I’m reading.
the plot.
Set against the backdrop of Lynchburg, Tennessee, this narrative weaves together a thrilling blend of personal discovery, historical investigation, and the revelation of a story long overshadowed by time. Through extensive research, personal interviews, and the uncovering of long-buried documents, Weaver brings to light not only the remarkable bond between Nearest Green and Jack Daniel but also Daniel’s concerted efforts during his lifetime to ensure Green’s legacy would not be forgotten. This deep respect for his teacher, mentor, and friend was mirrored in Jack’s dedication to ensuring that the stories and achievements of Nearest Green’s descendants, who continued the tradition of working side by side with Jack and his descendants, would also not be forgotten.
“Love & Whiskey” is more than just a recounting of historical facts; it’s a live journey into the heart of storytelling, where every discovery adds a layer to the rich tapestry of American history. Weaver’s pursuit highlights the importance of acknowledging those who have shaped our cultural landscape, yet remained in the shadows.
As Weaver intertwines her present-day quest with the historical threads of Green and Daniel’s lives, she not only pays homage to their legacy but also spearheads the creation of Uncle Nearest Premium Whiskey. This endeavor has not only brought Nearest Green’s name to the forefront of the whiskey industry but has also set new records, symbolizing a step forward in recognizing and celebrating African American contributions to the spirit world.
“Love & Whiskey” invites readers to witness a story of enduring friendship, resilience, and the impact of giving credit where it’s long overdue. It’s an inspiring tale of how uncovering the past can forge new paths and how the spirit of whiskey has connected lives across generations. Join Fawn Weaver on this extraordinary adventure, as she navigates through the layers of history, friendship, and the unbreakable bonds formed by the legacy of America’s native spirit, ensuring the stories of Nearest Green and his descendants live on in the heart of American culture.
what you should be reading.
Follow Neevah Saint who is ready and born to be in the spotlight. By chance, she goes from Broadway understudy to starlet for a week and who is the audience but Canon Holt, major big movie producer. She is quickly taken from the stage to the silver screen, but can she keep up and can her heart keep pace?
MY REVIEW (no spoilers)
This book had me hooked by page 4 or 5. I didn’t think I could love a book more than the Skyland series, but the Hollywood Renaissance series may be taking the cake. As a former theater, geek and nerd and the lover of all Broadway was beautiful to see Neevah go after her dreams as well as deal with the pressure surrounding her. Kennedy also does this amazing thing with her romance books where she tells it from the male perspective as well, and I truly adore this as someone who is trying to get more men into romance. Cannon Holt character arc was amazing to see ebb and flow through the prologue into the story and what it would take to let his guards down.
For lovers of unsung, Harlem Renaissance heroes and those of the golden jazz age and the influences that black culture brings. This is a book for you!
See ya in two weeks!
Thank you foe your words. Always right on time.